I already hid a love for fear of losing it. I already lost a love to hide it. I already secure myself in someone’s hands out of fear. I’ve already been so scared, I can’t feel my hands. I already pushed people I loved out of my life, I already regretted that. Already spent nights crying myself to sleep. I already went to sleep so happy, to the point I couldn’t close my eyes. I already believed in perfect loves, I already found out they don’t exist. I’ve already loved people who disappointed me, I’ve already disappointed people who loved me.

I already spent hours in front of the mirror trying to figure out who I am. I was already so sure of myself, to the point I wanna disappear. I already lied and regretted it after. I already told the truth and I also regretted it. I already pretended not to give importance to the people I loved, so that later I could cry silently in a corner. I’ve smiled crying tears of sadness, I’ve cried from laughing so much. I’ve already believed in people who aren’t worth it, I’ve stopped believing in those who are really worth it. I’ve already had fits of laughter when I shouldn’t have. I already broke plates, glasses, and vases in rage. I already missed someone so much but I never told them.

I screamed when I should have shut up, I shut up when I should have screamed. Many times I stopped saying what I think to please some, other times I spoke what I didn’t think to upset others. I already pretended to be what I am not to please some, I already pretended I am not to make others dislike me. I already told jokes and more funny jokes, just to see a friend happy. I already made up stories with happy endings to give hope to those who needed it. I’ve already dreamed too much, to the point that I confused reality. I was already afraid of the dark, today in the dark I find myself, I bend down, I stay there.

I’ve fallen many times thinking I wouldn’t get up, I’ve got up many times thinking I would never fall again. I already called who I didn’t want just to not call who I really wanted. I already ran behind a car, to take away the one I loved. I already called my mom in the middle of the night, running from a nightmare. But she didn’t show up and it was an even worse nightmare. I already called close people “friends” and found out they weren’t.. some people I never needed to call them out of any way and always were and will be special to me..

Don’t give me right formulas, because I don’t expect to get right all the time. Don’t show me what you expect from me because I’m going to follow my heart. Don’t make me what I’m not, don’t invite me to be the same, because honestly I’m different. I don’t know how to half love, I don’t how to live a lie, I don’ t know how to fly with my feet on the ground. I’m always myself, but I sure won’t be the same forever!.

I like slower poisons, more bitter drinks, stronger drugs, more insane ideas, more complex thoughts, stronger feelings. I have a voracious appetite and the craziest delusions. They can even push me at a risk and I’m gonna be like, “What else does it matter? I love flying ! “

— Clarice Lispector – Thoughts